The end of 2020

I am definitely keep coming back here, is it because here is where most of my memories & honest thoughts written on? 

I am bored. Current location; somewhere around Perak, outstation. This nature of job, sometimes makes me question the path I've choose. Browsing Netflix, nothing interesting to keep me there. Even brought a book to keep me accompany, but I dont feel like reading. 

Now my stomach growling. At this hour. In this small town, where you can only see road lights after 9pm.

Yesterday, tried to find a pharmacy because your-ankle-sprained-girl left her ankle guard home, so she need to buy a new one in order to walk painlessly - and guess what, she got lost. In this small town, eh? 

Drove around the town aimlessly, and I found myself laughing - amused that I have never tried to discover anything about this place. Ive been coming here for quite some times, but the only thing entertain me here was, KFC. And that famous stall who serve steamed rice using inside bamboo stick.

Iklan, my playlist now playing Forever by Lewis Capaldi. Ah this song :(

Okay sambung. So as I drove this morning, from my hotel to the workplace, I thought, why not? I would love to work at this kind of place. It only took me 5minutes drive. I could wake up at 8 am, and arrive at the workplace 8.30am. No rushing, no jammed, no unpredicted traffic. Except the road surface are not as smooth as Kuala Lumpur. Have you seen patchwork blanket? Yes that is the nearest example of the road condition, but still manageable (with some curse). Other than that, all good. A dream life.

Additionally, maybe few 24 hours restaurants, and perhaps an arcade & a mall with (at least) Sukiya, Starbucks & Boat Noodles? And my family here, too. And my bestfriends?

Okay I will reconsider this dream of mine when I hit 40s.

Turn

Oh hi,

I keep forgetting this space of mine. My free-from-judgemental-self-of-mine where I will write anything without thinking. Now here I am.

Writing. Thinking. Lol.

A friend of mine came to me, told me she's crying over small things. No it is not a small thing, it was something related to her insecurities, her vulnerable spot. By strangers. Why do people think it is okay to comment and joking harshly with someone they barely knew? We never know what we wrote on someone's social media, words you told them, will affect their mental badly. Keep it to yourself, people didnt ask  your opinion so shut the f up.

I am mad. Truly mad. The only thing I have for my beloved ones, is myself. Trying my best to be there and listen, to every rant, sadness, mad, insecurities. So whenever this random people make my person sad, I cannot resist to turn on my bitchy mode. So stupid eh buat kawan I sedih?

I have lotsssssof things to write, but I couldnt. Too many things happened, and I am bad at handling it. Even sharing it.

I need my space. But I shouldnt have those space, due to my tendency to overthink and pushing people around me away. I thought that I am an open book, i thought I am.




I am --- not. To whom, should i turn?

11:13pm

I love cities, when the sky turning reddish. The dawn; dusk. I love the smell in between of day and night transition. But if I must choose, I'll go with the black dark sky. You could only see the shining stars. Even the dullest star, getting their chance, to shine. You could only see the light from the buildings. Doesnt matter how poor, old, ugly each of them, you will only see the lights. Shining bright.

I love views. And will always be. 

Aku suka bintang langit malam, aku suka matahari turun senja, aku suka awan sarat petang. Aku suka, apa aku suka. 

When there is too much things happened around me, I felt lost. Ive tried my best to handle things. Ive even told myself, this will be good. You will passed this with flying colors. But I guess in the end, things keep coming back to me. To whom, should I settle this with? Siapa? No one should take the responsibility, of your own ability, to handle your feeling. 

Aku suka, dan sedih, Sama kuat rasa dia. Menyampah, sebab aku tau aku cengeng bila benda melibatkan begini. I dont really remember the last time I cried over someone else. Because no one worth my tears (tetiber). So yea, this is my break point. Gembira, tapi sedih. I should start counting d-days.

My Brainless Bestfriend

Dalam banyak-banyak benda, benda paling aku takut sekali hilang tempat aku bitching and being bitter without being judge. She know my ridiculous temper, and my alter ego. All this time, aku harap seorang Rahmadana Islam tak menyesal buat keputusan kawan dengan aku 10 tahun yang lalu. Sebab aku macam ada menyesal sikit kadang-kadang. Menyesal, sebab ada kawan andartu camni sampai rasa takyah ada orang lain kawan sampai mampus jela dah kalau dia sorang je paham aku :')

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GONG!

For listening to every rants,
For hating the same people as i do,
For bitching together on something stupid,
For being supportive,
For trust on whatever Ive said,
For keeping my darkest secret,
For laughing over silly jokes,
For 'ok jom' to every random plans,
For being there at my lowest point,
For the understanding,
For always there until now.
Thank you.

Resting Bitch Face & I Couldnt Recognize You, by Yours Truly

Ada sekali, masa awal-awal habis grad, aku pergi Jobfair. If I am not mistaken dekat Mid Valley. That place was crowded, jalan pun laga bahu. Tiba-tiba aku dengar orang panggil nama aku. Aku pusing, cari, takde siapa yang aku kenal. Bahu aku kena cuit. A guy standing infront of me, asking,

'Azza, budak UTHM kan?'.

Aku lost. 'Ye Azza, UTHM. Siapa eh?'. Mamat tu diam, pandang aku. 'Tak kenal eh?'.

'Haah.'

Pastu mamat tu blah. Aku yang???????? ApE yaNg SeDanG tErJaDi???? Dia hilang, dalam crowd. Kawan aku kat sebelah pandang, 'Aku rasa aku cam la budak tu. Fakulti Mechi rasanya.' MASALAHNYA AKU MEMANG TAK CAM MUKA, NAMA, LANGSUNG. Pastu aku malas fikir, aku biarkan memori itu berlalu begitu sahaja. Even if you ask me now, muka dia cemana? Aku, tak ingat, langsung. Aku ingat kejadian ni je.


Baru-baru ni, dekat tempat kerja, ada clique aku bagitau, ada sorang budak Main Con (aku company Subcon) kenal aku. Tau aku budak Civil, kawan sekian-sekian. Oh okay, pastu kenapa tak tegur? My logic, kalau dia boleh tahu semua tu, mestilah dia someone yang aku kenal jugak, kan. Kawan aku cakap, mamat tu takut aku tak kenal dia. Sebab dia fakulti Elektrik. Aku tanya nama, and his name did not knock any door. Macam, siapa eh? Pastu aku buat keputusan elok jugak budak tu tak tegur aku, sebab nanti aku buat muka lost aku lagi. Hahaha. Dan sampai sudah aku tak pernah terserempak pun dengan dia since dia kerja shift malam. Taktau la bila masa dia perasan kewujudan aku.



Homosapiens yang tak kenal aku, mesti akan cop aku garang, sombong, not approachable, muka macam nak pergi bergaduh. Even if I ask my clique & friends, first impression mesti ingat aku sombong. When I couldnt recognize pepole who said Hi first to me, it made me feel awkward, and guilty.


Satu - aku memang takkan tegur orang dulu dekat luar. Sebab memang tak alert (alasan aku rabun tak pakai spec), and malas nak start any kind of conversation.

Dua - aku buat muka biasa pun orang cakap tengah marah. DAH AKU MEMANG BURUK MUKA NAK GADUH TAKKAN NAK SURUH SENYUM 24JAM KANG CAKAP GILA/PERVERT PULAK. Tetibeh emo kan. Hahaha geram okay aku rilek pun suruh aku chill eii.

Tiga - penyakit lupa. Otak aku short term memories. GB besar, tapi data cepat hilang. Aku tanya nama kau harini, beberapa jam kemudian belum tentu aku still ingat. So aku cuma ingat orang yang memang I regularly communicate with. Itu pun kadang-kadang aku lupa.


'Eh siapa nama kau? Bak sini sikit air.' - ayat favourite bila otak dah jammed.


So yeah, aku friendly je sebenarnya. Ni biasanya testimoni lepas dah kawan dengan aku la. Sampai tak larat nak layan. Tegur jelah, tapi maafkan daku kalau aku tak cam kau siapa. Bukan sebab aku perasan bagus, satu dunia kenal, tapi sebab aku semula jadi bodoh sikit. Hahahahhahahaha aku bersimpati dekat semua kawan-kawan aku sebab kenal aku. Padan muka tak boleh patah balik.

Lari.

I need to run. I must run. Running from myself, running from all this bullshit. Run as fast as I could, as far as I would.


I started, then I stopped. Kau, nak lari mana? Jauh mana kau boleh lari? Selaju mana kau mampu lari, sampai kau boleh lupa semua benda? Lari macam nak gila, aku tetap disitu. Tak bergerak. Kau lari jauh-jauh, sampai tak cukup tanah, tak cukup nafas, kau pandang atas, langit tetap langit yang sama. Cuma mungkin harini gelap, hitam pekat, tak nampak apa-apa. Esok, ada satu dua bintang, yang entah dari mana muncul, terang, jadi kawan kau. Lusa, bintang satu-dua hilang, tapi bulan penuh, kuning-kemerahan. Langit yang gelap dua hari lalu, terang, penuh dengan awan.


See. Im talking trash right now. It doesnt matter if you want to run, anywhere, everywhere. But please running forward, tinggalkan semua benda sampah, useless, yang menyemakkan kepala kau, dekat belakang.



Makin jauh, makin hilang la benda tu. Pastu kau boleh kot jalan, dengan tenang, macam sebelum-sebelum ni. Kan?